Life Happens

Do you ever feel like life is just happening around you? Like you are dragging your feet or trying to stay still, but things are going on around you and life is moving on without you? That is how I feel most days lately. I am just...here. Not actively persuing anything, not enjoying lifes little pleasures, but wallowing in self pitty and just waiting for a year of my life to pass by. I wonder sometimes if I could sleep through a whole year because typically time goes by faster when your asleep. I feel like I don't want to live this year of my life, I just want to skip it. I don't want to miss out on a year of Brian's life or him to miss out on a year of my life. But like it or not its happening. He's not there to hold me when I'm sad and tell me its going to be okay...it's happening. He's not here to kiss me goodnight...its happening. He's not here to say witty things that make me laugh...its happening. He's not here to play with our dog...its happening. He's not here to fix things when they brake...its happening. He's not here to give me a back rub...its happening. He's not here to cuddle up and watch a movie with.. its happening. He's not here to go on a date with...its happening. He's not here to go out on a Motorcyle ride...It's happening. He's not here to wipe away these stupid tears that seem to continually fall... its happening. Life...its happening...without him. And there is no solution, he can't come home, no amount of money can fix it, I can't go out with my girl friends and "get over it", I can't just pick up the phone and call him- I have to just wait, wait for this year of my life to go by.

You know, up until about 5 years ago my life was easy. I had always wondered why I've had minimal trials in my life since trials are given according to what you can handle with God's help. Well I'm pretty sure I don't wonder that anymore. Deployment is the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru. I try to take it day by day and I've found that when I'm crying so hard that I can't breath, God is the only one that can rescue me. I pray, and usually the only thing that I can get out of my mouth is, "Father, help me! Please help me!" and he knows... he knows everything, Christ knows everything, he has suffered this pain and you know what, he did it for me. He did it so that when my husband got deployed, I would know that someone else knows the pain I'm going thru. The big picture of our life on this earth seems so simple and the end goal seems so clear to me, but I can't let go of the close up picture where I am left to wait.... while all around me.....Life Happens.

My Goal:   MAKE life happen, don't just sit aroung and WATCH it happen.
Easier said than done...any suggestions?
By the way I didn't write this because I want pity, its just a healthy way (or so I'm told) to show emotion without exploding and being mean and awnry.

Deployment

I haven't blogged in a long time because life is crazy, lets face it. My husband is getting deployed and I'm still trying to cope. He leaves in two weeks and I'm freaking out. I feel like even if I took the whole time off work I still wouldn't get to spend as much time with him as I would like. I'm probably smothering him, but oh well. I am so not ready for this, I know its not all about me and I should stop complaining because I am so blessed in all other aspects of my life. My family is super supportive and understanding. I love my home and the area that its in. My religion (http://www.lds.org/ to see more about it) is so uplifting and gives me strength in the toughest of times. I have great friends and nieghbors. I have a good job and love what I do (most days :) and most of all I have a wonderful husband that is my life.  I charish every moment I have with him knowing that he is leaving. I find myself worrying less about what the house looks like (even though it is super embarassing when people come over) and more on spending every second being with him. But with all these blessings, I can't help but feel the devisatation coming when he will be ripped from my arms for a year. I know we will get through it, we've done it before. But I don't do it well. I am giving you all a fair warning that I get pretty awnry when he's gone. I will try my hardest not to take it out on anyone as long as you don't ask me the dumb questions like "do you miss him?", "do you like having the whole bed to yourself?", etc. I will tell you the answers now, I miss him so much it hurts. I would sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have him next to me every night, and no matter how opptimistically I try to look at the situation, it is still MISERABLE, so please, if I burst into tears for no reason, or need to stay in my bed for the weekend, forgive me. Hold your loves ones tight and don't let a day pass by without telling them how much you love them. Thanks for letting me vent.