Life Happens

Do you ever feel like life is just happening around you? Like you are dragging your feet or trying to stay still, but things are going on around you and life is moving on without you? That is how I feel most days lately. I am just...here. Not actively persuing anything, not enjoying lifes little pleasures, but wallowing in self pitty and just waiting for a year of my life to pass by. I wonder sometimes if I could sleep through a whole year because typically time goes by faster when your asleep. I feel like I don't want to live this year of my life, I just want to skip it. I don't want to miss out on a year of Brian's life or him to miss out on a year of my life. But like it or not its happening. He's not there to hold me when I'm sad and tell me its going to be okay...it's happening. He's not here to kiss me goodnight...its happening. He's not here to say witty things that make me laugh...its happening. He's not here to play with our dog...its happening. He's not here to fix things when they brake...its happening. He's not here to give me a back rub...its happening. He's not here to cuddle up and watch a movie with.. its happening. He's not here to go on a date with...its happening. He's not here to go out on a Motorcyle ride...It's happening. He's not here to wipe away these stupid tears that seem to continually fall... its happening. Life...its happening...without him. And there is no solution, he can't come home, no amount of money can fix it, I can't go out with my girl friends and "get over it", I can't just pick up the phone and call him- I have to just wait, wait for this year of my life to go by.

You know, up until about 5 years ago my life was easy. I had always wondered why I've had minimal trials in my life since trials are given according to what you can handle with God's help. Well I'm pretty sure I don't wonder that anymore. Deployment is the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru. I try to take it day by day and I've found that when I'm crying so hard that I can't breath, God is the only one that can rescue me. I pray, and usually the only thing that I can get out of my mouth is, "Father, help me! Please help me!" and he knows... he knows everything, Christ knows everything, he has suffered this pain and you know what, he did it for me. He did it so that when my husband got deployed, I would know that someone else knows the pain I'm going thru. The big picture of our life on this earth seems so simple and the end goal seems so clear to me, but I can't let go of the close up picture where I am left to wait.... while all around me.....Life Happens.

My Goal:   MAKE life happen, don't just sit aroung and WATCH it happen.
Easier said than done...any suggestions?
By the way I didn't write this because I want pity, its just a healthy way (or so I'm told) to show emotion without exploding and being mean and awnry.